How we got grief all wrong

I cried for 1 hour and 37 minutes the day my father died February 8 1990 That was the exact time it took me that day to drive from Nariman Point where I worked to Lokhandwala Complex in Andheri West where we lived As soon as my car was out of the parking area of Express Towers I put the windows up and let the anguish pour out Tears flowed torrentially all the way At intersections I raised my head and howledBy the time I reached home my eyes were dry I was calm and composed ready to do all the things that an eldest son must in such moments My mother was beside herself with grief my brother looked bewildered But my grieving was overNo part of me was saying This cannot be true How could he die I felt not anger but relief He had suffered for a long time the pain of diabetic neuropathy I was not depressed I felt still and sombre even if a little wistful and bereft I had accepted that my father had gone and I would never see him alive againIn a nutshell I did not experience the five stages of grief that experts say all human beings apparently pass through when they grieve denial anger bargaining depression and acceptanceI first heard about the five stages of grief in the 1990s when the dark monstrous shadow of AIDS had just risen over the planet We had seen people in denial after testing positive angry with society and trying to make deals with their gods Stages of grief made senseMaking grief so neat modular and systematic also pleased counsellors who could ask a few questions quickly determine which stage of grief the person was in and dispense suitable advice empathy or medicationBut today I find myself asking questions about the shades in which grief visits us Do we feel grief or relief when a loved one dies after a long painful cancer Is the grief at the sudden loss of a child comparable to the feeling when an old friend dies suddenly in a crash Does a dead pet evoke the same grief as a dead parent What help does a grieving person needThe fivestages theory was first described in 1969 by psychiatrist Elizabeth KuumlblerRoss to explain how people come to terms with their own impending death Later she claimed based on no evidence that the stages also apply to the grieving process when a loved one faces death or diesBut no study so far has corroborated that such stages even exist In the early 1980s a US Institute of Medicine committee disparaged using the word lsquostagesrsquo to describe bereavement fearing that it could lead to ldquohasty assessments of where individuals are or ought to be in the grieving processrdquoA few years later the five stages model was given a proper burial by research psychologists Camille Wortman and Roxane Silver They noted for instance that most people donrsquot experience clinical depression after bereavementYet the five stages refuse to die In 2020 references to the model appeared in roughly 60 per cent of English and Dutchlanguage grievingrelated websites Roughly 60 mental health professionals and 150 adult citizens were asked if they believed that grief went through predictable stages Nearly half the clinicians and over twothirds of the rest thought the statement was ldquodefinitelyrdquo or ldquoprobablyrdquo trueIt took my fatherrsquos death to give me a whole new perspective on grievingMy mother was inconsolable when her husband died But the family priest in Nashik the late Mr Ware told her my fatherrsquos soul was still in the room feeling disoriented without its body and she had better cook things for him to reassure him that she knew he was thereAfter the final rites 13 days later at Nashik Ware explained that thanks to the prayers of the past three days the departed soul would reach Pret Lok the spirit worldNext year same time after more rituals the soul would move to its next stop Pitri Lok the realm of the ancestors In the third year after another nudge from us mortals the soul would reach Dev Lok the realm of the godsIt sounded wonderfulmdashand nonsensical I challenged the priest ldquoAnd who has given you this mapped route that my father will followrdquoMr Ware laughed heartily ldquoSir all these fictions are created by religion to help your grieving mother Think of it in a moment the man she spent her entire life with has turned into ash She is traumatised But religion steps in to say No he is still in the room Now he is in Pret Lok He will need you again next year to go to Pitri Lok and then Dev Lok the year afterReligion presses the rewind button on death and replays it in slow motion for the bereaved woman My mother felt not the five stages of grief but instead no grief at all She experienced a profound reconnection with her dear departed husband who apparently still needed her to play a roleIn his afterlifeYou can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopigmailcomSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper